Artwork by Emily Balivet – emilybalivet.com
The dreaded “Dark Night of the Soul” (DNS). It’s kind of like giving birth (I imagine) in that you can’t remember how painful it was after it’s over, because if you did, it might just take you down. Having just come through a DNS portal, the pain is not that far behind me… but far enough that I am no longer immobilized by it.
What’s the point of a DNS, and what to do with it? In my very recent DNS experience, I brought every euphemism I could think of to bear: The only way out is through. Breakdowns lead to breakthroughs. There’s always a silver lining. The key to the pain is in the pain. This is an initiation. Something amazing will emerge from this. None of them worked. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, ever. Until there was.
Sometimes, we just have to be taken to our knees. The reasons will vary by individual soul contract. If you’re a light-worker (you know who you are) and you’re not living your open-hearted truth and your full potential, especially in these powerful times, expect a wake-up call. I don’t care how much work you’ve done on yourself, how many years of therapy you’ve had, or how many transformational workshops you been to. I’ve done it all. A thousand times. And I still got taken to my knees.
I have an amazing and happy life, a beautiful beloved relationship, and an award-winning book published and a second book written and gestating. I live on Maui, for goodness sake! And what better place to get shaken and stripped to my core. The land and my home supported me beautifully as I melted down in the alchemical crucible of my multi-layered bodies – emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental.
It doesn’t really matter what the catalyst was…. it never does, though it’s easy enough to place all the blame squarely on the trigger. Suffice it to say that it was the biggest and most powerful trigger possible in my life right now (short of the death of a loved one). And that’s what it took to force me to look at the carefully constructed reality I had generated and was very attached to maintaining (and remaining blind to) at all costs.
After many months of rising stress followed by many weeks of intense underworld suffering leading up to the final fall (from grace? into grace?), I began to get an inkling. Then the inkling opened into a trickle. Then the trickle became a flow. I saw how I had abandoned myself and my spiritual path, how I had given my power away to the point of a near-complete loss of self. Now I could begin to spin spiderwebs into gold.
Once I could see the bigger picture beyond my crying jags, victimhood, depression, fear, rage, and grief, it didn’t take long for me to galvanize my inner resources. Clarity came quickly and I started to stabilize, drawing back my power and my projections and calling me home to myself. I began letting go of illusions that had long sustained me, letting them shatter like stained glass upon a tile floor. I swept up the broken pieces and began to reconstruct myself from the inside out.
The best advice I can give someone who is experiencing a DNS is to ride the waves of emotion, just feel them all the way, even when it doesn’t feel like it’s productive or like anything is moving. Don’t push it away or try to understand it. Just ride it. And get support! Lots of it, including professional support. Don’t try to go it alone. Be gentle with yourself, make sure you are in a safe place to feel your emotions, and do your best to love and embrace the parts of you that are driving the bus. They are each a very sacred and important part of your psyche. Give yourself time to integrate. Several months, if needed. I’ve lovingly given myself six months to adjust to this completely new version of myself.
In Part 2 of this post, The Ceremonial Rededication of the Priestess, I share the culmination, the gold that emerged from this process: shining, valuable, precious, and downright indispensable.
What gold have you spun from spiderwebs? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
Love & blessings, Amrita
This precisely describes what I’m going through. I can’t believe what an amazing experience. Beyond all pain now and simply miraculous. It feels as if every experience since has been a further dissolution until now, there’s simply no more to dissolve. “From grace, into grace” indeed! Here’s to the integration and spinning ahead. I have always marveled at the beauty and grace of the speed of creation, temparariness, and perfect design of spiderwebs. Glistening in radiant perfection at Dawn’s first hour.