I’ve talked about the more obvious aspects of why I believe I needed to manifest cancer into my experience, and now I’m getting into deeper layers. I’ve known for a long time that my heart was only “so” open, and have wondered how I might expand it to include more of my human brethren than just my immediate family and besties. So I asked my God/Goddess Self what it might take to be more open-hearted, more loving, more accepting, more allowing, and more embracing. My God/Goddess Self replied–not with words, a pat answer, a new technique, or an overwhelming flush of ecstatic energy–but instead with everything that was unlike love and needed to be reviewed and released. (sigh) You would think I would have seen that one coming. It hasn’t been all rough and tumble, however. A big piece of magic paved the way, and rather than including it with the the more shadowy work, I decided to divide this post into two parts to devote all the attention to the piece that touched me really deeply.
It was a Saturday morning in August and I was still waking up. Suddenly, my first real boyfriend (circa 1978) popped into my mind out of nowhere. I had not thought of him for a long time. I had previously made the odd occasional attempt to find him on Facebook, without success, just out of curiosity. As he popped into my mind, and I remembered those failed attempts, a new idea asserted itself… I knew his wife’s name, and it would probably be easy to find her on Facebook. Sure enough, there she was and there he was, after all these many, many years. I was flooded with memories, most of them good. I really loved this boy, best as I knew how in my deeply troubled teen-aged state of being.
I looked at his photos of his beautiful family, two daughters and a son, all grown up now. It’s astonishing how time can dilate and feel like three-plus decades ago is just last week. Our lives took such different paths. I allowed all the memories to surface that I could access, and along with them arose some feelings of shame for the ways in which I handled myself in those days. Most importantly is how I now hold myself in forgiveness, compassion, and non-judgement for the trail of emotional destruction I left in my wake in the years that followed. I got to look at just how far I’ve come, and I got to be amazed by it.
I felt so much gratitude welling up in me for who I have become and for all those who have contributed to my journey. I’m not saying that anyone is ever perfect at 16 (far from it), but I had come from a broken home and a background of sexual abuse, and I was on the path to being a wild and out-of-control young woman. He was a stabilizing influence for me at a time when my life was pretty messed up. His family embraced me and I loved spending time at his house.
I decided to write him a message. I wanted to be very respectful of his marriage, his family, and his life now. I know it can be a little weird to be contacted by an old girlfriend, and with all my work around sexual healing and my own appropriate use of sexual energy, I’m extremely sensitive about it. I wanted to reach out without any need for return correspondence. My heart was overflowing with a very expansive and universal love that reminded me that we are all truly connected and that when you love someone, that love does not go away with time or distance.
I shared a bit about my life, my marriage, my book, my family, and my cancer journey. I asked after his mom and siblings and expressed my appreciation for the path his life has taken and for the beautiful family he and his wife have raised. I gave Facebook a dollar to make sure it got delivered to his inbox. (Who looks in their “other” box? I sure don’t.) I left it up to him if he wanted to friend me or not. I remained completely unattached… I had already received the gift that I had asked for, the expansion of my heart energy. Since it was a Facebook message, I knew that he had seen it and that was enough for me.
As I went through the proceeding days, I was reminded of all of the relationships that prepared me to eventually receive my beloved Apollo. I felt love and appreciation for each of them, even the ones that seemed insignificant at the time. Each one added to my experience and brought me to who I am now. I decided to bring them all into my next meditation and to express my gratitude on the inner planes before releasing each one with a “cord-cutting” ceremony. With a girlfriend holding space for me, I gathered them all around me in my inner vision in a circle and thanked each of them. I then released any of their energy that I still possessed back to them and reclaimed any of my energy that I might have given away to them, clearing the slate and freeing both of us. This is the essence of cord-cutting, acknowledging all the etheric and emotional threads, ropes and sometime even chains that we unconsciously attached to others and that we allow others to attach to us, and consciously releasing them.
A couple of weeks later, I did get a reply to that message. It reminded me again that the heart is a complex, powerful, and fully conscious aspect of not just our physical body, but of our eternal being. I asked for this heart expansion and it’s revealed itself in a myriad of subtle and not-so-subtle ways. I’m grateful for the ability to recognize these diverse lessons as answers to my request. If you would like to know about the more challenging aspects of heart opening, be sure to read Pathways to My Heart, Part 2 to be released in mid-September. (If you like, you can “follow” this blog to be notified of updates.)
Thanks for tuning in!
Love & blessings, Amrita