Post-Mastectomy…. Burlesque?

When I want to feel empowered, I dance. Dance has carried me though times of greatest challenge and greatest joy. But I never dreamed I would be performing Burlesque on my 53rd birthday, 2-1/2 years post-mastectomy.

Being born the day before Halloween, most of my birthday parties have included costumes. The last time I had a party was when I turned 50, a few months before my breast cancer diagnosis. I didn’t have another party until this year (2015), and I was not planning a costume party. But a week before the party, Goddess whispered in my ear… “DANCE!” and it began to emerge. A roaring 20’s theme and a Moulin Rouge-style burlesque performance. “REALLY?” I asked… and the answer was Yes. Really.

I set up a dance studio in my garage. Grabbed the mirrored closet door and threw a rug down. Spent hours finding music. Went to the Halloween store for a few costume items. Chose a stage name: Ruby Pearl. Watched some YouTube instructional videos. And I dress-rehearsed all week.

Ruby arms halfI have a long history of bringing sacredness to dance. As a belly dancer for many years, I taught women of all ages, shapes, and sizes to wiggle and jiggle and love their bellies. My intention for this birthday performance was to embody beauty, sensuality, grace, and empowerment for the people (especially the women) who would be watching. To show them what’s possible. And it blew way past all my hopes and expectations.

What was so sacred about this dance for me was that I’ve been calling forth my own Shakti to be expressed in a more balanced way, instead of only within the container of my marriage. After spending many years recovering from sexual addiction, I had my Shakti wrapped up tight and saved only for my marriage. But there comes a time when I get to trust that I can bring my full life force expression to the world and that it will be appropriate and welcomed. That time is now.

The burlesque performance was a full-on Reclaiming Aphrodite experience. I had so much fun and the audience absolutely loved it. The women came up to me afterward feeling so empowered and inspired!

This year (2017) is much more sedate for me, birthday-wise, as I  prepared to leave for Costa Rica in just a few days to facilitate a Sacred Sexual Awakening and Healing Retreat for women with Caroline Muir. Little did I know what I was calling in with that burlesque performance! A move from Maui to North Carolina and the creation of The Sacred Feminine Mystery School!

I’ll be teaching one last time with Caroline (after Costa Rica) before she moves to Panama to semi-retire. That will be April 2018 in Maui. A true full-circle homecoming for both of us.

So tell me (in the comments)… what archetypes are you playing with this Halloween?

With so much love, respect, and joy, Ruby Pearl (Amrita Grace)

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Consciously Negotiating Challenging Emotions

When I feel sad, angry, lonely, jealous, or sorrowful, I know I’m in the underworld. I feel the descent and the darkness around me. While it’s not much fun, I know the value of being with it and that I will eventually come out the other end, provided I’m willing to ride it out. It’s okay to be in the dark sometimes. I always emerge with valuable insights and more inner peace, and that’s worthwhile to me.

I think of the underworld as an actual place and I honor the darkness as much as I do the light (well, almost as much). In the wheel of the year, there is a season for darkness; a season for light; and time and space for the infinite gradations between them. The same is true in our human existence, no matter what you may have been taught. Life is obviously not all sunshine and rainbows.

The underworld is a potent place you can traverse through… once you learn to recognize when you are in it. When you understand how to identify and navigate the underworld rather than trying to keep it at bay or pretending it doesn’t exist, you harness the tremendous power that resides in your emotional body. Like the power of a half-tamed horse, it can either take you for a wild ride or you can learn to saddle it, ride it, and guide it where you want it to take you.

The power of your emotions is that when you acknowledge and feel them, they pass through and out of you, layer by layer. You don’t even need to know why you’re feeling them. Just ride the waves. Feel what you are feeling. Breathe with it. Be with it. There doesn’t need to be a story or a drama attached to it for it to move through and out. Chances are, whatever you are feeling is actually something you first experienced in childhood that you’ve been reminded of, re-evoking the same feelings. When you are able to just be with the feelings, you are forging new neural pathways in your brain, effectively re-wiring yourself in a very positive way.

Excerpted from the forthcoming book, Dancing with Cancer – The Sacred Feminine Path to Wholeness by Amrita Grace

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The Ceremonial Rededication of the Priestess

Upon this Autumnal Equinox day 2015, on the slopes of Haleakala Maui, I rededicate myself as a Priestess under Morning Star Venus in Leo. I embrace the Leo themes of radiant, radical self-love, vision-carrier, and innovative creator. I declare my willingness to shine my full light and bring my unburdened, unarmored heart to every aspect of my life. Whatever beliefs, patterns, habits, and structures do not support my full, joyous expression are unwinding easily and effortlessly.

By my example, I inspire and empower others to shine their own brilliant light. I see God and Goddess in everyone, while projecting God and Goddess on no one. We are all part of the same divine matrix, here to learn together and help each other along the path. Though occasionally that might look like strife and challenge, I trust the process and I trust myself to navigate graciously.

Having walked through some of the darkest of underworlds, I have gained the capacity to hold exponentially more brilliant light than ever before. Through the alchemy of transformation, I have separated the gold from the dross in the crucible of my body, my emotions, and my heart. Having embraced the parts of me that need love the most, immense expansions of love, joy, abundance, and pleasure are immanent.

I take full responsibility for the life I am creating… every relationship, every circumstance, every situation. I am a sovereign, autonomous woman of immense compassion, power, and discernment. I have full capacity to channel the sacred feminine mysteries through my being as I welcome and allow all appropriate consciousness upgrades to my human and divine systems with ecstatic ease.

I open myself to sensual pleasure, delightful fun, expansive creativity, and playful adventure. I embrace my birthright as a fully healed spiritual/sexual expression of the divine. I welcome all of my Shakti and life force energy to express fully through me with the utmost integrity.

My feet are firmly upon the body of Gaia, rooted deeply into Her. My arms reach for the heavens, welcoming the light codes that are entering the planet for the highest good of humanity, the planet and all her inhabitants, and the universe. Divine Feminine, Divine Masculine, and Divine Child energies dance harmoniously within me.

I surrender my will to divine grace. Show me the highest options and the most expansive magic. I am an empty vessel. Pour Your divine love through me. I am Yours, God/Goddess. Everything is Sacred. Blessed Be.

Amrita Divine Grace

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Spinning Spiderwebs Into Gold

D for Dragon

Artwork by Emily Balivet – emilybalivet.com

The dreaded “Dark Night of the Soul” (DNS). It’s kind of like giving birth (I imagine) in that you can’t remember how painful it was after it’s over, because if you did, it might just take you down. Having just come through a DNS portal, the pain is not that far behind me… but far enough that I am no longer immobilized by it.

What’s the point of a DNS, and what to do with it? In my very recent DNS experience, I brought every euphemism I could think of to bear: The only way out is through. Breakdowns lead to breakthroughs. There’s always a silver lining. The key to the pain is in the pain. This is an initiation. Something amazing will emerge from this. None of them worked. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, ever. Until there was.

Sometimes, we just have to be taken to our knees. The reasons will vary by individual soul contract. If you’re a light-worker (you know who you are) and you’re not living your open-hearted truth and your full potential, especially in these powerful times, expect a wake-up call. I don’t care how much work you’ve done on yourself, how many years of therapy you’ve had, or how many transformational workshops you been to. I’ve done it all. A thousand times. And I still got taken to my knees.

I have an amazing and happy life, a beautiful beloved relationship, and an award-winning book published and a second book written and gestating. I live on Maui, for goodness sake! And what better place to get shaken and stripped to my core. The land and my home supported me beautifully as I melted down in the alchemical crucible of my multi-layered bodies – emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental.

It doesn’t really matter what the catalyst was…. it never does, though it’s easy enough to place all the blame squarely on the trigger. Suffice it to say that it was the biggest and most powerful trigger possible in my life right now (short of the death of a loved one). And that’s what it took to force me to look at the carefully constructed reality I had generated and was very attached to maintaining (and remaining blind to) at all costs.

After many months of rising stress followed by many weeks of intense underworld suffering leading up to the final fall (from grace? into grace?), I began to get an inkling. Then the inkling opened into a trickle. Then the trickle became a flow. I saw how I had abandoned myself and my spiritual path, how I had given my power away to the point of a near-complete loss of self. Now I could begin to spin spiderwebs into gold.

Once I could see the bigger picture beyond my crying jags, victimhood, depression, fear, rage, and grief, it didn’t take long for me to galvanize my inner resources. Clarity came quickly and I started to stabilize, drawing back my power and my projections and calling me home to myself. I began letting go of illusions that had long sustained me, letting them shatter like stained glass upon a tile floor. I swept up the broken pieces and began to reconstruct myself from the inside out.

The best advice I can give someone who is experiencing a DNS is to ride the waves of emotion, just feel them all the way, even when it doesn’t feel like it’s productive or like anything is moving. Don’t push it away or try to understand it. Just ride it. And get support! Lots of it, including professional support. Don’t try to go it alone. Be gentle with yourself, make sure you are in a safe place to feel your emotions, and do your best to love and embrace the parts of you that are driving the bus. They are each a very sacred and important part of your psyche. Give yourself time to integrate. Several months, if needed. I’ve lovingly given myself six months to adjust to this completely new version of myself.

In Part 2 of this post, The Ceremonial Rededication of the Priestess, I share the culmination, the gold that emerged from this process: shining, valuable, precious, and downright indispensable.

What gold have you spun from spiderwebs? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

Love & blessings, Amrita

 

 

 

 

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When the Shadow Feminine Comes Out to Play

As a woman, have you ever had an experience of feeling betrayed, deceived, or manipulated by another woman? How do you feel when that happens?

I want to explore this, because while it’s easy to cast blame and be the righteous victim, there’s likely some potent information underneath the initial reaction. Women have been competing with each other for various things, including men, for a very long time. What’s been building up is a collective experience filled with the razor sharp memories and tattered remnants of the unresolved deception, betrayal, and mistrust.

Sister, it’s time to heal our collective experience. It begins within each of us. Pointing fingers at each other is not the answer anymore… we’ve all done it, and it’s all forgiven. But have you forgiven yourself?

The invitation here is to ask inside yourself when you feel you’ve been harmed by another woman.

♥ When have I harmed other women in exactly the same way?

♥ How does the experience reflect what’s unhealed inside of me?

You might be quite surprised by what arises. You can work this one backwards in your history for some rich veins of shadow material as well.

I had an opportunity to do some of this work myself, recently. I was really grateful to be able to excavate some very old, unforgiven, and mostly forgotten ways in which I had been the perpetrator of exactly what I thought I was the victim of. It led me to a powerful ceremony of Ho’oponopono. I got to make it right. Including forgiving myself. Now, I get to hold that sister that supposedly harmed me in compassion, acceptance, and accountability. (Yes, accountability.)

When the shadow feminine comes out to play, we all benefit. When we cast light on our shadow, acknowledge it, accept it, forgive it, and embrace it, it can no longer run us from its subterranean hiding place. And we have an opportunity to create something new in the sisterhood. Cooperation, collaboration, acceptance, trust, love, friendship, support, and the sharing of resources. It’s time to weave a new story of the feminine.

Please share your experiences of working with the shadow feminine within yourself. How are you weaving the new story?

Blessed be, Amrita

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What is the Sacred Feminine?

Who am I to define the sacred feminine? Well, I’m a wise woman, for starters…  and a high priestess with direct experience of the sacred feminine mystery. And why would I even want to try? Because She is emerging to help heal the planet in brand new ways right now, and I am one of her emissaries. She wants to be understood, integrated, and embodied.

Imagine before you a maternal being that is as big as the universe. She takes you in her arms, against her soft bosom, and you know that you are safe and protected. Let yourself sink in, for in this moment you are a child with no cares or fears. Take a deep breath and fill yourself with the sense of nurturing that radiates from her.

She begins to shift now, into a mama bear whose babies are threatened. Feel her fierce protectiveness and her willingness to defend her children at all costs. You are one of her children.

Now she morphs yet again, beginning to dance and move with wild abandon, flowing skirts and scarves following her every leap and twist. Do you dare to dance with her? Feel her breath breathing her, her dance dancing her, her life force fueling every cell to express with full freedom and total abandon.

She spirals down to the ground now, placing a dark mask on her face. She lies down upon the earth and surrenders herself to the underworld journey, willing to navigate the place where she feels all her earthly feelings… sadness, grief, anger, rage, loneliness, and sorrow. She beckons you to follow if you have the courage.

Looking up, you see there’s a playful winged creature in the woods ahead of you, giggling and peeking around trees. She’s got a magic wand and she’s not afraid to use it. She leads you on a merry chase, laughing until you both collapse in a soft, warm, green meadow. She asks you about your creative projects, your dreams, what you do for fun. She wants to make some play dates with you.

She rises up with a sword in her hand, screaming, “Off with your head, tame your ego, cut out the bullshit, carve away what no longer serves you, do it now, now, now!” She sticks out her tongue, feints her sword toward you once more with the sternest face you can imagine, and offers you the hilt of the sword.

She brings her hands to her heart and then opens them toward you. From them spills golden light, shimmering and sparkling, flowing and rippling all around you. She brings her light-filled hands to your body and swirls the energy around you, anointing you with it. She taps your third eye and you are transported to another realm, filled with indescribable colors, scents, and sounds. Every place she touches you ignites with pure ecstasy and bliss. Breathe it all the way in.

She leads you now into a temple of such beauty and grandeur as you’ve never experienced before. She reminds you of who you really are, who you have always been. She bids you look into a magical mirror that reflects your true essence to you, and you gasp at the magnificence and elegance that you witness as you look. She offers you a drink of holy water. Her lips don’t move, but you hear her say, “May you never thirst.”

She drops to the ground and transforms into a writhing snake and you feel a blast of pure, formless sexual energy. She bids you sit on the ground and slithers behind you, bringing her head to your sacrum. Expanding into the fear, you feel her moving up your spine. You are breathing the energy that creates life up your spine and feeling it fountain out of the top of your head in red, yellow, and orange sparks. The sparks form a human body made of fire and you look into her wild and primal eyes.

She melts into grandmother, wise ancient one, she who spins the threads that connect us all. She shows you how every thread is connected and reminds you that every thought you think and every action you take impacts everything and everyone else in the universe. She reveals the paradox of as above, so below… as within, so without. She reminds you that when you love and care for yourself, you are effectively loving and caring for everything and everyone, not the other way around.

The years drop away from her ancient face as she transforms into a beautiful, mature woman holding a chalice… the symbol of the feminine. Her beloved approaches her, holding a sword, a symbol of the masculine. Together, they place the sacred articles upon an altar, and come together, wrapping their arms around each other and joining their foreheads. As you witness this, you see the multi-colored skeins of energy and light wrapping around and through them, and you suddenly understand the true meaning of “communion.”

Everything vanishes, the altar, the chalice and sword, the beloved. You are now facing the queen of death, all in black. Fear ye not, for death does not always mean physical death. Death must occur in order for rebirth to happen. She asks you what needs to die within you now, and you have an opportunity for letting go of what no longer serves you. Will you take it? The queen of death will guide you.

The black disappears, and she is hugely pregnant with planet Earth. Your willingness to let something die has paved the way for this birth. You are her midwife, just as she is yours. She is giving birth to herself, just as you are giving birth to yourself. Her message is We are all in this together.

The sacred feminine is vast, ever changing, powerful beyond measure, and always with you. She resides within you. You have access to her at all times, in any of her aspects you choose to call forth. Perhaps some are more hidden within you than others, but you can invoke and cultivate them as you choose.

What does the Sacred Feminine mean to you?

Please add your comments below. I would love your input and feedback

Love & blessings, Amrita

Artist Credit: John Moseley

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What Happens Next?

MaslowsHierarchyOfNeeds.svgHave you heard of Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? Looking at the pyramid, as each set of needs is fully satisfied, one’s attention can move up to the next level. Regarding the top of the pyramid, Maslow said, “What a man can be, he must be” (emphasis mine). This level of need refers to what a person’s full potential is and the realization of that potential. Maslow describes this level as the desire to accomplish everything that one can, to become the most that one can be.

Sometime in the past year, I hit the top of the pyramid, and it set me off on a quest for my life’s purpose. After recovering from breast cancer, I was no longer wiling to cast about in the hope that I was living my purpose. This led me to the fascinating realm of modern hand analysis. Turns out that life purpose, life lesson, and special soul gifts are all encoded in our fingerprints and handprints. After receiving some basic information about my own handprints, I have a lot more to go on now. There were some fun surprises… and my clarity is growing by leaps and bounds.

At times over the past year, I’ve grumbled that I know a lot about many things and am the master of nothing. Now I see this condition as multi-talented and bringing a very unique body of skills to my contribution. I’ll share more as it’s revealed to me.

What I can say for now is that I’ve put my stake in the ground: I’m creating a new paradigm around breast cancer and there’s nothing PINK about it. Stay attuned!

Love & blessings, Amrita

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Navigating the Maze

fractal spiral wheelHave you noticed a different feel to 2015 and the days leading up to this turning of the year?

What I’ve noticed and spoken with others about is how unknown the future feels… even the immediate future. It reminds me of being in a maze and not knowing which turn to take or what will appear around the next corner.

I find it an interesting paradox, because we really never know what’s coming, right? It’s like the illusion of knowing is getting more transparent all the time. I think it’s a opportunity to become more and more present in the right-now and to trust that I am being guided at every step through my powerful connection to Source.

My friend Kara Maria Ananda just published a great article called 33 Ways to Create More Magic in Your Life and I really enjoyed it. I found that I already practice a large percentage of the 33 Ways, and I believe that each of these Ways deepens my connection to the inner guidance that sustains me and keeps me in a state of contentment and joy.

My hope for you AND me that 2015 is the year that life expands beyond our wildest dreams! My wildest dream is to successfully create and run the Breast Cancer Mystery School and help thousands of women have an amazing experience with breast cancer (as I did). 

What is YOUR wildest dream for 2015? Please share in the comments below.

Love & blessings, Amrita

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Do You Mind if I Don’t Celebrate Christmas?

Every year I ask myself: Is it okay that I don’t celebrate Christmas? Will everyone think I’m a Grinch or a Scrooge? Do I even care what other people think?

I suppose I do care, or I wouldn’t be writing this. So, as long as I’m writing this, let me speak my truth. I don’t dislike Christmas or have any problem with it being celebrated far and wide. I honor the energy of the season, the birth of the Christ Consciousness, and the blanket of peace I feel out in the world on that sacred day, when the shopping is done and many people are enjoying time with their families.

Wiccan HolisaysBut, I am not a Christian. As a Divine Feminine High Priestess, my holy day comes a few days before Christmas, at Yule or Winter Solstice. And the time leading up to it, when most people are going crazy spending and shopping, is for me a time to come into stillness and receptivity; to clear out what no longer serves me (inside and out); and to vision what’s next in my life. It’s the darkest time of the year in the Northern Hemisphere, including in Maui where I live, and this year it even falls on a new moon.

Giving and receiving… there’s an elephant in the room!

Part of what is complex and difficult for me is the gift giving and receiving. When I was younger and did engage in traditional Christmas, I always wanted to create homemade gifts or give something that I already possessed and wanted to pass on. But that’s really not how it’s supposed to be done, right? It’s mostly about BUYING STUFF. I also find it very confusing being caught in a sense of obligation around gifting. Someone gave me a gift so I feel obligated to give one back. I’m letting that one go this year! To add even more complexity, receiving gifts is not one of my love languages… in fact, it’s at the bottom of my love language list.

Giving stuff that’s not actually “stuff”

When I give a gift, I want it to be from my heart and because I have chosen to give it, not because a custom or tradition dictates it. Gifts can take many forms, and I most adore the intangible kind! I love to gift through cooking and serving food, passing on something that I no longer need but someone else will cherish, and as an introvert, giving my time and presence is a gift. Does that make me a Grinch?

A plethora of December holy days

There are so many different multi-cultural celebrations this time of year… Hanukkah, Asura, St. Nicholas Day, Bodhi Day, Yalda, Kwanzaa, and of course, Yule and Christmas. Whichever one you celebrate, if any, I hope that your holiday season is filled with love, connection, and joy. I know mine always is!

Please comment below if you have a perspective about anything I’ve brought up here… or if you celebrate in a different way, too.

 

 

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Cancer Free, One Year Later

The Benefits of Letting Go

May 29, 2014 is the one year anniversary of my double mastectomy and breast reconstruction, and I can’t help but notice how fast the year has gone by. When I received my diagnosis, I let go of my entire career, the one I had been building for years, with relief and gratitude. Relief because that career really wasn’t working and never really had. Gratitude for a clean slate, a new beginning.

I decided to maintain my website, blog, and email list, not knowing what the future might hold or how those assets might serve me in the future. Over the past year, I kept blogging and sending out newsletters and occasionally touching up my mostly static website with no clues about what might be next for me.

So What IS Next?

A year later, I still don’t know what’s next, if indeed there is a “next.” When my website recently came up for annual renewal, I questioned why I’m maintaining a blog and a website when I’m not actually selling anything… why I have business expenses without any related income. I even considered closing my expensive, outdated website down for good.

Luckily, I got a powerful reminder of why I want to keep in touch with my list and maintain a web presence. For so many years, I was driven by the desire to make a difference in the lives of women… and with the cancer diagnosis, it all came tumbling down. I see now that I CAN make that difference, and I’m willing to maintain my online presence until I have clarity about exactly how I will do that.

A New Website, Really? Why?

amritagrace.com

So what about that website renewal? I decided it was time for an update, and my tech-savvy beloved suggested building a new Reclaiming Aphrodite WordPress site and integrating my formerly separate blog into it. With his help, support, and tech knowledge, I created a brand-new, beautiful WordPress site that I am very proud of.

So What Are You Selling?

As of this writing, I’m still not selling anything or offering any services… but I know I enjoyed the creative process of building my piece-of-art website and I still believe in what I’m providing. So yes, I’ll continue offering my blogs and occasionally promote really high-quality programs that I believe in while keeping in touch with my small but beautiful community of people who’ve received benefit from my book and/or my former workshops.

I continue to “just be” in the cauldron of the unknown, and I’ve actually gotten pretty comfortable there. Who woulda thought? Certainly not me, if you’d asked me a year ago!

It seems I keep counting the blessings of cancer.

Love & blessings, Amrita

 

 

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Making the Leap: From ‘Healing’ to Living an Ecstatic Life

For so many, many years I focused on “healing” myself. It was an important road for me to take on the journey to wholeness; but I recently asked myself, at what point do I get to just live as a whole and healed being? The answer is NOW!

On the other side of breast cancer, and having just returned from several weeks of travel in Europe and the UK, I’ve come home. Not just to the physical sanctuary I live in, but to my body, my wholeness, and my fully conscious choice to live my life as Art. I am healed. I am healed from the sexual addiction I wrote a book about, I am healed from breast cancer, and I am healed from my childhood wounding. I declare it so.

I’m not saying I’ll never have another neurosis or issue or illness again, but the “healing work” on myself has evolved into enjoying the whole ecstatic journey of being human. That includes everything from washing the dishes to being fully present in my relationships with friends, family, and my beloved.

There’s nothing I need to figure out, I don’t need a mission statement… there’s really nothing at all that I need to DO. Finding wonder and beauty in every word I speak, every chore I do, and every step I take is a state of being that I’ve been seeking to embody for years, and suddenly the striving is over.

Here’s to an ecstatic life!

Love & blessings, Amrita

 

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Turning Contrast Into Gratitude

Have you ever noticed how wonderful it feels to come home after being away for awhile? Or to be healthy after being sick? I got to experience both together recently, and I really noticed the impact on my gratitude, joy, and sense of contentment.

An American Mermaid in Paris - at the Tuilleries

At the Tuilleries

It all started last fall, when I received a newsletter about a week-long workshop that would be taking place in Scotland at the Callanish Standing Stones. I knew immediately that I was supposed to be there. From there, it grew into a 6 week odyssey that took my husband and I through The Netherlands, Amsterdam, France, the UK, and the Northwestern Isles of Scotland.

We began and ended in Minneapolis, where winter still ruled the day. A week there on either side of the trip helped with the jetlag, splitting the distance between Hawaii and Amsterdam. We spent three nights in Amsterdam, one in Antwerp, and two in Paris. It was all very whirlwind, a mere taste of each place. Then on to the UK for a three nights in Edinburgh and a disconcerting drive on the left side of the road to Inverness. From Inverness, we flew to the Isle of Lewis and were driven to the Doune Braes Hotel to be with our group of 27 workshop participants and facilitators.

What brought us halfway around the world was a workshop entitled Renaissance of the Sacred Feminine, Re-dreaming the Magical Link between Land and Sky, Soul and Spirit. It was a return to my spiritual roots of Celtic Earth-based spirituality, sprinkled with Shamanic Astrology, ceremony, Shamanic Breathwork, and visits to four of the twenty-plus Callanish Standing Stone sites. It all took place during the April full moon lunar eclipse and the astrological “grand cross,” aligning us with important celestial and ceremonial timings.

Moon Setting at Callanish 1 Before the Eclipse

The stones felt like old friends. It was cold, wet, and windy, and we were always bundled in coats, gloves, hats, and “wellies” to tromp through the soft, wet, squishy peat that covers the island. We were up at 4:30 am and out with the stones during the sunrise and moonset of the lunar eclipse, which would begin at this northern latitude just after the moon slipped below the horizon. It was a magical day!

Christina Walczuk Moonstone Studio

by Christina Walczuk    Moonstone Studio

That afternoon, as I was sitting alone in the lounge, a local couple walked in and sat down. They asked about the workshop and I told them about what we were doing. Turned out that Roger was very knowledgeable about the Callanish Stones, and Christina was an artist who painted the stones, highlighting their mystical and magical qualities and symbolism. She was bringing two of her paintings to be hung at the hotel, and with her permission, we hung them above our altar in our workshop room for the duration of our stay there. After seeing her painting of the Carloway Broch, I was inspired to see it for myself and set out on the 20 minute walk from the hotel.

On the last day of the workshop, I woke up with a nasty cold. Others in our group had been sick as well, and I was at the end of my resources after all the travelling and exposure to the wind, wet and cold. I took care of myself, rested, and hoped to move through it quickly, but it was not meant to be. There was still a few days of travel ahead of me, and I did the best I could with it. The descent into Minneapolis after an 8-hour flight was challenging. I rested all the week we were in Minneapolis, and still took the lingering cough and congestion home with me.  As of this writing, I’m nearly well again.

Callanish 4 – The Birthing Stone

I’ve come home full of gratitude not only to be home and feeling healthy again, but for the incredible opportunity to experience for the first time European cultures and countries and languages. It was a rich time of exploration and adventure, in contrast with the calm routine of being home and settled and having easy access to necessities and amenities that I take for granted most of the time.

Contrast offers us the opportunity to turn up the volume on our appreciation of life. Sometimes we can create the contrast, as I did with my travels, and other times, life creates it for us. It’s part and parcel of our human condition, so I say, let’s work it to our advantage!

How has contrast enhanced gratitude in your life? Your comments are invited and welcomed.

Love & Bright Blessings, Amrita

 

 

Posted in Blessings, Gratitude, Sacred Feminine, Standing Stones | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Following a Trail of Heart-Crumbs

heart petals on letterI was recently sitting in a workshop that I helped coordinate, looking at the flip chart that the facilitator was using. I had provided that flipchart, thinking the pages were all blank. As she turned a page, I caught a glance of something I had written. Luckily, she did not expose the whole page, but turned to the next blank page.  I drew in a breath and a clapped my hand over my mouth. I felt mortified, shocked, and a little ashamed! A few people near me turned to see what was wrong. I felt a fierce blush creep up my neck. The person sitting next to me later told me my upper arm had gone red, too.

What on earth was on that page? A bad word? A naked picture? What?

flip chartMy eye had caught some numbers, a price. The sheets (there were two) were actually advertisements for two workshops that I had planned to put on in 2013, both cancelled because of my cancer diagnosis. So why did I have such a strong reaction? This was way beyond embarrassment at an unprofessional oversight. I thought back over the past year, to the last time I used that flip chart, and I realized it was just about a year ago. I had ambitiously scheduled three workshops over the course of three months on Maui. I was really making a push to birth a body of work into the world, to ‘make it’ as a workshop creator and facilitator. Two of the workshops would be co-taught with Apollo. We were creating weekends to help singles and couples heal their sexuality and leave the baggage behind so they might have the kinds of relationships they wanted. We were excited and giving it our all. We had spent thousands of dollars and weeks of time and travel learning how to market in a way that was heart-felt and aligned with our values.

I took everything I learned in my marketing classes and applied it to a free intro for my women’s workshop. It was called, ‘Three Common Mistakes Even Smart Single Women Make That Keep Them Alone, Lonely, and Hungry for Love.’ (Yeah, that really was the name of the intro.) I followed all the marketing rules I had learned. I planned to sell the women’s workshop and the single’s and couple’s workshops as well that day. I had written up the flipchart pages in advance, well in back of the flipchart. 35 women showed up that day, and I was really pleased with the turnout. Five women registered for the Reclaiming Aphrodite workshop. It was barely enough to make it a go…. but I was buoyed by the success of the free intro.

Following the Reclaiming Aphrodite workshop, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The two workshops to follow were cancelled. Apollo and I both breathed a huge sigh of relief. “We don’t have to do this anymore!” No more marketing, no more trying to fill workshops, no more putting in hundreds of hours and making barely enough money to survive on!  I never looked back. I was done. After nearly a decade of putting on workshops, I had had enough.

Fast forward a few months to post-cancer: fully recovered, ready-for-what’s-next. What is next? I have no idea. I’m happy to have some work to do, website and graphic design, working at home. Happy to be healthy, living in Maui with my beloved. Happy to help organize a workshop that was easy to fill on subject matter I’m very interested in, Internal Family Systems ‘Parts Work.’ Seeing those flip chart pages sparked something deep. My reaction of mortification was intense and visceral. Why?

I invite the feelings to wash over me again, so I can dig deeper. There’s shame in there. Disgust. I hated having to market myself. Some part of me feels like I was a fraud. I didn’t really know what I was doing. Nothing I was teaching was original. Who did I think I was, anyway? Another part of me knows. I have a gift and I wanted to use it. Perhaps teaching was not the right use of it. I hereby invite and invoke right use of my gift!

orange heart ribbonsMy gift is so subtle as to be almost invisible. It’s the gift of presence. Listening. Being with. Witnessing without fixing or advising. I may not always choose to use it, but when I do, it’s palpable. I can also teach others how to bring presence, if they are willing and have a desire to practice. Because it is truly a practice. If you want to know more about presence, contact me and I’ll send you info.

Since ‘workshop facilitator’ was a part of me that I identified with for so long, it’s natural that I would feel bereft when that part is no longer needed or called upon. Do I need to create another persona to take its place? I’m not so sure I do. I have tremendous contentment in my life, but I am by no means stagnant. I keep doing my inner work, and writing about it for the benefit of myself and others, as this blog and my book reveal. Perhaps I am simply myself. No labels necessary. I accept!

Who are you, without your labels? If you care to share, I respond to every comment below. Thanks for tuning in.

Love & blessings, Amrita

Posted in Balance, Gratitude, Love, Presence, Releasing | Tagged , , | 12 Comments

The Priestess in the Mirror

When I look in the mirror, I see many things. I see a woman who has reclaimed wholeness after childhood trauma. I see a breast cancer survivor who is thriving. I see a happy and contented wife. And I see a high priestess of the renaissance of the divine feminine.

divineFeminine-queenWhat does a modern priestess look like? Do they wear robes and special jewelry? Will you find them in sacred temples and at sacred sites? The modern priestess is as diverse and individual as today’s women are, and we each hold the capacity to embody the priestess within ourselves if we so choose. Formal initiations, trainings, and ceremonies are available in myriad forms by a wide range of teachers and leaders, but they are not required. I chose a path of initiation and ordination thirteen years ago that served me well as I learned to access my inner landscape and began my path of becoming conscious of the true being hiding behind the human pain and suffering. That path is a lifelong journey, and I’m grateful for that auspicious beginning.

Having been involved in circles of women and priestesses for many years, both as participant and facilitator, I released them all when I moved to Maui in 2006. I was called to Maui to work with the Divine Feminine Institute, and that felt like a new manifestation of my contribution as a priestess… more practical and less esoteric. While my outer priestess morphed into an administrator, my inner priestess continued to have initiations and give birth to her priestess arts in the form of the book and body of work known as Reclaiming Aphrodite. The Divine Feminine Institute came to a close, and breast cancer brought new insights and inquiries about my work in the world. Reclaiming Aphrodite is currently at rest, though the book continues to be offered as a $4.99 Kindle book.

The imagery and symbolism of my years of priestess work continue to feed and embrace me. Honoring the dark time of the year (in the cauldronNorthern Hemisphere), I find myself in a space of not-knowing. A cauldron or womb space, where what is gestating has not yet been born. My previous work has fallen away, and what is next has not revealed itself. I’m grateful to have some work to do in this interim time, work that I enjoy and that I’m good at and that supports a dear friend in her contribution to the renaissance of the divine feminine. My commitment to myself is to be with and in this state of not-knowing without pushing for answers or imposing my will. This is my greatest takeaway from my breast cancer experience: I trust that all will be revealed and that I will be perfectly guided.

callanish-standing-stones-17

Callanish Standing Stones

I’m experiencing a growing excitement as I answer a call to the depths of my priestess being to attend a very special gathering in Scotland this spring at the Callanish Standing Stone complex. I knew the moment I read the announcement that I was supposed to be there, and I set my intention to have it happen. Originally, I thought I would go alone and just to Scotland. This trip has now evolved into my first ever exploration of Europe with my husband. We’ll spend a few days in Amsterdam, Belgium, and Paris before heading to Scotland for a few days in Edinburgh. Then we’ll drive to Inverness for a night and fly to the Isle of Lewis, northwest of the Scottish mainland, to the tiny two-airline airport in the town of Stornoway. The week-long, expertly facilitated event will be held at the Doune Braes Hotel in Carloway near the Callanish Standing Stones. Unlike Stonehenge, Callanish is not fenced off, and is accessible to the public.

The event is called Renaissance of the Sacred Feminine – Re-dreaming the Magical Link Between Land and Sky, Soul and Spirit. It will be facilitated by Anyaa McAndrew, High Priestess; Nita Gage, Shamanic Breathwork facilitator; and Daniel Giamario, Shamanic Astrologer, who has a deep relationship with the Callanish stones. Daniel has been to Callanish eight times, and he says, “It is my belief that the Callanish complex is the largest and most important of the ancient lunar ceremonial sites on the planet, the veritable prototype of all the rest.  It’s a massive building project of more than 20 stone alignments, all oriented to Sun, Moon, and stars, and all in harmony with the sacred landscape itself.”

Sacred Feminine by Cristina McAllisterThe event is very reasonably priced to make it accessible for people, and between that and airline miles, I’m able to pull this off. I’m very grateful for this opportunity to connect to my Celtic roots and heritage, not just in my ancestry, but also in my priestess lineage. I sense that there is important information for me in this sacred place. I anticipate a magical time of deep connection with my priestess self, the land, the stones, and with the community of people I’ll be sharing this experience with. If this gathering calls to you, please click here for more information.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? I welcome your comments below and I respond to every one of them!

Wishing you a very expansive and abundant 2014!

Love & blessings, Amrita

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Was Jesus Really Born on December 25th?

axial_tilt_winter_solstice_cardIt seems pretty unlikely if you take into consideration some of the clues that are available… like the biblical evidence that there were shepherds in the fields watching their flocks at night at the time of Jesus’ birth (Luke 2:7-8) and that the family of Jesus was heading into Bethlehem to register for a Roman census (Luke 2:1-4). I can’t imagine that either of these events would have happened during the freezing cold winter months. Nor can I imagine that a stable would have been warm enough for a newborn infant and his parents to survive a winter night in.

stonehenge_winter_solsticeWhat is more compelling evidence to me is that the celebration of the time of Yule predates Christianity by thousands of years. The Norse and Celtic people, the Romans and ancient Egyptians all honored the time of Yule as the return of the Sun God and the rebirth of the light. Long before Christmas trees were decorated, the Yule log burned in the fireplace, feasting and merrymaking commenced, gifts were exchanged, and the occasional sacrifice was made.

At some point, Christianity gained in popularity, and the priests of the new religion did their best to convert the people to the new order of holy days. The people did not give up their celebrations easily, so it’s said that the priests decided to overlay the ancient holy days with their own. Over the course of centuries, Christmas (Christ-Mass) became the accepted holy day and Yule (almost) faded into antiquity.

yuleBecause Yule and Christmas have become somewhat fused, I consider Christmas a time to celebrate the “birth of the Christ Consciousness” along with the birth of the Sun God. As a Celtic high priestess, I recognize the Winter Solstice, or Yule, as one of my own highest holy days while everyone around me is gearing up for what has become a gigantic retail cash cow, putting millions of people into debt and into a manic state of mind. I avoid all that by circumventing the traditional Christmas celebrations most years. Though I enjoy the lights on houses, I find most of the trappings unnecessary and I don’t engage in the shopping frenzy. If a gift exchange is called for, I prefer to make my own creative offerings… such as foods that can be consumed later, once the feasting is only a memory.  I like to bring uniqueness and a very personal touch to giving gifts… I suppose it entertains me as well as the recipient.

As we head into the darkest and longest nights, it’s a time to slow down and find repose, just like the Earth is doing (in the Northern Hemisphere). WinterSolsticeMornI’ll be keeping those holiday parties to a minimum, preferring ceremonial gatherings and time with family. And this year, I’ll have the very special touch of a white Christmas. It’s not easy to tempt me away from Maui over the holidays, but this year I’m excited to spend time with my family in Minneapolis, where the temperature differential from Maui is something like 50-70 degrees F. I am definitely dreaming of a white Christmas, and I plan to be out walking in a winter wonderland!

However you celebrate, and even if you don’t, I wish you a safe, sane, heart-filled and warm holiday season.

Love & blessings, Amrita

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The Gratitude Experiment

Gratitude rockAs the harvest season gives way to the holiday season, abundance is in evidence all around me. Even though I don’t live on a farm and I do live in a tropical climate, I still feel the overflowing cornucopia of the Earth’s northern hemisphere rhythm of completing productivity and slowing into repose for the winter. Each year at this time, I feel into the fullness of the gifts that the time of harvest has brought to fruition as I slow my own rhythms into their own seasonal repose.

Thanksgiving brought its own gift of remembrance and gratitude. As we feasted upon the harvest’s bounty, we had an opportunity to celebrate that which we are grateful for, to give thanks. That can be a fun and easy thing to do, when things are shiny and bright in our lives. But what about when things don’t feel good? Is there a place for gratitude when things are dark and scary?

I believe the answer is YES! How many times have I looked in hindsight at the difficult, challenging, and unhappy experiences in my life and realized what gems they held and how much I gained from them? What if I didn’t have to wait for hindsight to feel gratitude? What if I could choose to welcome it all, and trust that not only will it serve me, but that I created every aspect of it? I invoked immense gratitude right from the start of my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, and that turned out to be a very positive, life-affirming experience.

We live in a world of polarity, and we simply cannot live in the light all the time. We can pretend to, and many people do. Know anyone who seems to be happy all the time? Does it feel real? Are you projecting happy all the time? What’s underneath that, really?

Gratitude Experiment

What would it take to embrace the more difficult experiences and to find gratitude for them? Let’s do an experiment! I’ll call it the Gratitude Experiment. From now until the end of 2013, or for how ever many days you want to play, I propose that we invoke gratitude for every experience we have, no matter how sad, angry, or unhappy they seem to be. I’m not saying it will be easy, and it may require reminders (a note that says “open this when unhappy” that reminds us to invoke gratitude?). It may feel fake or out of place or downright ridiculous, but I invite you to give it a chance. You don’t have to make yourself feel it, simply invoke the energy of it and see what happens.

I welcome any feedback, comments, or insights you have as you take part in the experiment!

Love & blessings, Amrita

Posted in Blessings, Gratitude, Presence, Solar Feminine | Tagged | 2 Comments

Underworld Portals

invitationI’ve come to understand something very important about myself, something that is a solid compass inside me that I can finely attune myself to that will guide me without fail to places of joy and connection.  I’ve come by this knowledge in part through my dear friend Tiera, who has “reminded” me by bringing the mystery school of Human Design through her being so flawlessly and communicating my piece of it to me so concisely. It struck one of the deepest chords in my being to understand that I always, always must RESPOND TO INVITATIONS.

There are so many layers to this simple statement, “respond to invitations.” As Tiera would say, for me, it’s got to be an “engraved invitation.” Not literally, of course. As I’ve attuned myself to this compass and witnessed the ways in which invitations come my way and the ways in which they do not, I’ve begun to develop a powerful sensitivity and discernment. Better yet, I’ve actually begun to listen to and act on that discernment. The most powerful “engraved” invitation might come in the form of words, but mostly it comes in the form of waves of energy that I can feel all the way to my bones, like a siren song of my true north.

Most of my life, I’ve just gone after what I thought I wanted. What my head thought I wanted. Now I find that I’m following a deeper stream of gnosis and wisdom than my head could ever possibly think up. This listening with much more than my physical senses engages my entire body in the process and brings a lessening of tension and low-grade anxiety I often carry, especially lately, around social interactions. When I respond rather than trying to initiate, I find a much deep sense of satisfaction in the fulfillment of the invitation.  And more importantly, I’m learning to release and let go of any constructs of how I “think” things “should” be… such as when I recognize that an invitation is just not there when I think it “should” be… or maybe is was there and now it’s not.

While I recognize the value of contrast and understand that sometimes it takes experiencing what I don’t want to get clarity about what I do want, I’m ready to tap straight in to the stream of well-being that flows when I go where my energy and offerings of my sensitive self are desired, welcomed, and invited. Where my heart is exalted. Yeah! Exalted.

Having come through that above-mentioned portal sometime last night, I feel fully prepared to dance with the new moon in all her ceremonial Scorpio finery as she is accompanied to the Solar Eclipse Ball by Saturn. I remain in the question. What else is possible?

Love & blessings, Amrita

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Slipping Into Darkness

Day of the DeadI just had to borrow that great title from a song by the 80’s band War, because it’s been going through my head for the last few days. It’s a reflection of the powerful deepening that this time of year always brings to me. Today is my birthday, and tomorrow is Samhain, Hallowmas, Hallowe’en… and I’m inspired to write another blog right on the heels of the yesterday’s, in tribute to an older way of approaching this time of year.

Last night, I felt the call of the night, the thinness of the veil between the worlds, and the results of the heart healing and opening I’ve been working with. As I sat outside in the hot tub in the dark, I cried for those lost in the past year and those lost decades ago. I remembered those who are long gone from this life but not from existence or from my heart. I spoke out loud to Adrianna Grace, beloved friend lost to cancer this year, and to my Grandmothers and Grandfathers, thanking them all for being part of my life and part of my eternity. I felt as though I had truly celebrated Samhain with an appropriate ceremony of honoring.

As we slip into the dark half of the wheel of the year, so many will be starting to think about the holidays. Gearing up, making lists, making plans for parties, family dinners, and general Wheel of the Yearrevelry. I’m going in the opposite direction, as my ancestors did once the final harvest was in and the food preserved for another winter. In nature, as the weather turns colder in the northern hemisphere, many animals are fattening up on autumn’s bounty for hibernation and sleeping through the winter. While I don’t plan to fatten up, I do align with the bears and the other animals who crawl into caves and holes and dens and burrows and slow way down.

Though I live in the tropics and it doesn’t get that cold in the winter, I’ve attuned myself to the turning of the seasons and the shortening of the days that speak of winter to come. I also live at a high enough elevation to need warmer clothes and fuzzy slippers at times. It’s really a more subtle attunement to the earth’s rhythms, and a conscious choice to move to a different song, a slower and more gentle song which slows my heartbeat.

I used to think I had to swim upstream, but now I realize that I need only slip into the stream and let it carry me where it goes. In keeping with the powerful, magical time of year that we are in, I take time to be with my internal landscape, to find calm in what is sure to be an escalating holiday frenzy. This year I will even dance the balance of participating in family holiday gatherings on the mainland and maintaining my equilibrium instead of hiding out on Maui during the Christmas season.

For now, however, I will honor myself by listening deeply and acting from my inner promptings. And on this day of my birth, I celebrate a year gone past where I had cancer and then I didn’t in practically the blink of an eye. I am blessed, I am blessed, I am blessed!

Love, Amrita

Posted in Amrita, Death & Rebirth, Gratitude, High Holy Days, Releasing | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Rivers of Release

Forest riverSometimes, things just have to fall away. Sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes it’s a relief. Sometimes it’s freeing. Often, it’s all of the above, all at once.

When I legally changed my name to Amrita Divine Grace and moved to Maui to start a new life, I created a Gmail account with my new name. That was in 2006, when Gmail did not have a very good filing system. I just let everything build up in the inbox. I never paid much attention to it, there were never any warning messages or issues, so I just left everything there. 30,000 emails later, my husband starts poking fun at me. I can tell he’s a little appalled.

I love how the universe conspires to take me on interesting adventures. I knew I needed to deal with the Gmail *someday*, but the someday came unexpectedly when I asked my geeky beloved how I could move emails from my personal account to a business email account without sending them individually. Oh, easy, he says, just set up Gmail in your Thunderbird account and you can drag and drop them. Oh, cool, says me. Sounds easy enough… until the tens of thousands of emails had to download into Thunderbird. Well, at least now I could do some proper filing and get that Gmail account sorted.

Little did I know what was in store for me! For two full days, I went on a warp speed review of my life over the past seven years. It wasn’t totally linear, either. I found that it kind of looped and spiraled through time. I got to review every relationship, every friendship, all the experiences that were documented through my email as I decided what to keep and what to throw in the trash. I poured wheelbarrows of email into files, some important and some sentimental. Somewhere in the second day, I realized I needed to create a file called “Mementos.”

Into that Mementos file went the emails that touched me most deeply. The relationship completions; the gratitude and praise for my work and my book; the emails exchanged in the aftermath of a terrible tragedy that I witnessed early in my move to Maui. Annual birthday greetings from my former husband, indicating the gradual healing of a very difficult and painful breakup. I had the thought that is was like watching my life pass before my eyes. But really, it was watching my heart pass before my eyes.

I found myself needing to speak of each of the men who had touched my life in those early Maui years, when I was still learning how to manage my sexual energy and still learning painful lessons. My husband listened and asked questions with curiosity, letting my rivers of release flow. There was one in particular that I had ever so conveniently forgotten. Going fast through emails, I kept seeing an unfamiliar name go by. Finally, it went by often enough that I took a peek. Oh boy. Not really unfamiliar, just forgotten. One of those painful lessons.

I was, and still am, in awe of this unexpected journey through time and through matters of my heart. I so wanted my beloved, I so found Maui full of unavailable men, and still I took a couple of dips into the relationship pool, hoping and wishing, and never coming close to being truly met (until the day I met Apollo in 2008). I thank and bless each of the experiences that brought me to this now.

I see the email adventure as part of a bigger whole of releasing what no longer serves me. Certain old habits (people, places, and things) have become so uncomfortable that I can no longer pretend that they work for me. I can take a hint… eventually! I continue to surrender to the river of release that will help me move into what’s next for me. I continue to be committed to awaiting the invitation rather than making things happen, and that alone has shed light on some outmoded ways of being. I continue to feel blessed and guided in my life. And I am grateful.

blog-with-heart-award-vote-buttonIf you enjoy my blog, I invite you to vote for me for the “Blog with Heart” award.  There are no cash prizes or dream vacations, just recognition for the way in which some of us pour our messy hearts out for all the world to see. There will be 50 winners, and around 30 have been nominated so far, myself included. We all win, really. It started with my book, Reclaiming Aphrodite-The Journey to Sexual Wholeness, in which I revealed all the humbling and human mistakes I made on the path to healing, and it became a habit on my blog. My desire is that my sharing helps others in some way. If you have not read my book and would like to, I give it away here. Thank you SO MUCH!

Love & blessings, Amrita

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Pathways to my Heart, Part 3

Although this is a stand-alone post, it is also the third in a series. If you would like to follow the whole story, start with Pathways to my Heart, Part 1 and Pathways to my Heart, Part 2.

Opening chest to reveal heartWhat is it about being in the field of sexual healing that has made me feel ashamed of not being completely healed from my sexual wounding? What kind of unrealistic expectation is that? These are the questions I’m asking myself as I come to fully realize that a succession of people in my life have come to represent “mean, violent, disapproving daddy” and/or “miscellaneous perpetrator” to me and that I’ve treated them accordingly. It’s not to say that this process has been completely unconscious, or that I have not done any work with it… it’s just that I’m running out of patience. I’m tired of being in feuds with people and having friendships deteriorate because of it.

Now it feels like we are down to some pretty deep stuff on this heart pathway. As I look back over the past few years, I see how a friendship became a toxic relationship gradually and over time because I was not able to speak up when my boundaries were crossed. I made all kinds of excuses to myself about why I could not and should not speak up in that moment, and they made sense at the time. The truth is, I was frozen in fear. Instead of speaking up in the moment, I made myself as invisible as possible, just like I did when i was a kid to protect myself. Only that strategy is not longer needed and in fact, does not work. Speaking up later was not enough to deal with the charge it had for me, because by the time later came around, my scared little self had blamed the transgression on the “boundary crossers.” How could they know that my boundaries had been crossed if I did not speak up when it was happening? How could they be anything but defensive later when I held them responsible?

With ever-brightening hindsight, I see the trail of mistakes that built up to a blowout that’s been haunting me for a year. My desire to open my heart has made it impossible to let this situation continue to occupy the “elephant in the room” status. What it’s taken to resolve it is nothing less than me taking full responsibility for my projections and withdrawing my judgments from those I’ve accused of inappropriate behavior. Most importantly, I get to learn how to speak up in the moment when something does not feel right to me.  I really want to get that part right from here forward. It’s going to take commitment and it’s going to take practice, but I’m ready. This has been DECADES in coming.

It takes a great deal of courage to take accountability for a projection like this. To say “I’m wrong, and I’ve been wrong for quite awhile, and everything I accused you of was based on my own filters, which was a misconception.” To step all the way out of victim and not worry about whether anyone else takes responsibility for their parts (because Baby, it takes two to tango). I’m actually astonished to realize just how much responsibility comes with having a strong background in communication skills. No longer is blissful ignorance an option. That’s actually a good thing, but sometimes I witness people who just blow up and lose their temper and say horrible, unretractable things and I think they have it pretty easy. But there’s no going back, is there?

I’ve taken that courageous step. I got clear about that point of accountability going back more than two years and made a full confession to my friends. There’s been so much poison, it’s like a boil that’s finally been lanced and all that nasty pus gets to be released. Now the drama can finally come to a close, the the next chapter of each of our lives and relationships can begin. This has been a tough journey for all of us, and I’m ever so grateful to finally put it behind me. I did a really good job and I’m proud of myself.

Heart in HandAs ever, I remind you to be careful what you ask for. When it comes to matters of the heart, there can be no compromises. Whatever is not about love must be processed and released. It’s not for sissy-lalas, but it’s worth every step, every fork in the road, every twisted, tangled pathway to my heart.

Love & blessings, Amrita

Posted in Healing, Love, Right Relationship, Shadow | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments